The art of conversation with your boys!

Please don’t be fooled by the title of this blogpost! I’m still struggling with the subject with the three boys in my life: hubby, 12 year old J and a 7 year old S.

I bought this pack of ice breaker cards a few days back and what better way than to bond with each other at bed time! So me, J and S, we all sat down. The youngest wanted to go first so he picked up the first card. It read, “tell us about your crushes” J and I burst out laughing, S screamed at us, embarrassed and not very happy at the idea (in retrospect it was very mean of the mom to laugh out loud too). The cards were flying all over my bed by this time, having collected them all, a suspicious 12 year old and a still sobbing/grinning S (yes we can manage both emotions with a 5 second interval) I said hey boys let’s start again – it’s ok if S doesn’t want to answer this question. So we all took our turns, then comes S’s turn once again. He picked up the second card. It said, ‘how do you express your lov…” He stopped reading, threw the card and screamed again, “why am I getting love cards” By this time J was rolling down the bed laughing, I was stifling my laughter (read roars of laughter) I finished the card for S. “It says How do you express your love for God”. Oh come on boys, this is such a lovely question. S refused to answer and so I helped him. I heard myself tell S, “The best way to express our love for God is to thank Him for all his blessings” Ah, this seemed to settle S but he still looked suspiciously at the cards. Soon we all had about 5 turns each! And that’s when I called it a day. As my mom says, better to stop while you are still having fun so you look forward to it next time! S was the first one to protest, he still wanted to play!!

I took a photo later, of the first card, which threw us into fits of laughter but also led the way for a great time where me and the boys had so much fun sharing our fun facts! You should try it too sometimes!

and I learn, again…

Today was again one of those days – when I learnt (once again) from my children!

Of late we have started a regular family activity – the Maghrib prayer is one time of the day when me and my two boys will say our prayers together! This is my attempt to make them regular, and to see this as a fun, family activity, rather than a mundane activity I force upon them. We have our share of giggles right after, and it is my way of teaching them the importance of saying thank you to the One who gives us all the blessings.

Today, I must confess, I was lazy for my evening prayer.  My little efficient bunny, the six year old, of late has been eagerly trying to follow as many prayers as he can manage on his own (his independent prayers are just actions but I love him, mumbling and pretending to say the namaz like he does under my guidance).  So S ran to the little corner of my room, spread out his prayer mat and called me.  He didnt ‘remind’ me – he only said, can you please help me remember what I have to say? and thats when I heard myself say, ‘Hold on S, please call J also,I’m coming to join you give me a minute to get ready!’ The three of us prayed together, just like any other day. Alhamdolilah.

That got me thinking, (after I gave little S a big hug for being the star of the day), that if you surround yourself with positive energy – those very positive little influences floating around us in the form of our ‘routine’ help pick us up on days that life pulls us down.  I am thankful I had, among others, one positive energy that pulled me up today.  How many positive influencers do you have in your life? Today would be a good day to start!

 

 

 

the juggling game

A mom is a busy person, period.

There are so many people expecting so many things at a given point in time.  Your husband needs your attention while your children always need your attention, energy, time, trouble shooting and disaster management skills! 😉 Your kitchen is another pit-hole that is always demanding attention! If you are lucky to have household support staff, they could be the best ones in market and still need your constant management skills, your alertness to resource management and your observation skills to keep tag of their work! Add the word ‘working’ to a mom – and you have to manage a full day of work’s worth in addition to all of the above.  Did i mention fulfilling one’s duty as a good daughter, daughter in law, extended relations, friends? etc etc. Any mom, is a superhero without a cape!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, as we juggle family, friends, work, home and other social obligations, sincerely hoping that we learn to do justice to all –  It’s okay to drop the plastic balls but I sincerely hope I don’t drop any of the glass balls! Our life has some plastic balls and some glass balls. Everyone has a different definition of what is a glass ball for them.  My family and home are my glass balls. And i sincerely hope that among all the balls I juggle – this is one glass ball I never drop.

So today, when I went to my son’s school to read a book to him, I read it out not only to him, but I also gathered two other kids whose parents were not able to come.  I feel for working parents as much as I feel for those kids! I noticed that my son was not just laughing on my jokes but also more so looking at his friends enjoying his mom’s antics.  This is one event I mostly manage to miss out because of some office commitment or the other – however, the smile on my five-year old’s face was enough to give me that extra skip in my walk as I entered late at work.  I am usually grumpy in the morning, but today I was all smiles.  Only because among all the other balls, I was able to juggle an extra ball today. It is probably these little moments that form a big part of our happiness index! And today, mine is way up there in the clouds! Alhamdolilah.

Amma

Today it has been exactly one year that my Daddi, my lovely Amma, passed away. I owe her a lot in my life – one of the most important lesson she taught us siblings was that of Namaz. A skill which you realize is your lifeline as you mature in years. There was a time when I would pray only when I had an exam or a big test coming up! But now, as I try and catchup with life while making sure I don’t let go of my daily communication with God, it is only now that I realize how thankful I am to the person who taught me all this! Especially since I find it very challenging to teach my sons the same. I now realize how much patience is required to impart a life skill and at the same time instilling love for doing so!

There was always a very fine balance – our Nani taught us the Quran while Daddi made sure the children pray on time. (I was mostly the lazy one and Amma would always tell me very lovingly how my younger sister is more regular and I should follow the same!). As we grew up we also witnessed a fine combination of Nani and Daddi being the best of friends! And Amma‘s unconditional love and preference for my mother, her only daughter in law ; something which many households are not accustomed to! Perhaps this is the main reason our family bond remains so strong!

My Amma was such a beautiful human being with great compassion for not just her family but also her extended family and friends! Her friend aunty Aabo would come and spend the night at our house and me and my dad would scheme that it would be so much fun if one could be a fly on the wall in their room! If we could somehow plant a secret recording device for posterity’s sake!!! It was such a delight watching her happily chatting away! Good times were they!

It’s hard to imagine my parent’s house without Amma but I’m sure she’s still praying for us all- wherever she is!

I miss my Amma, very much! The more I miss her, the more I try to emulate the values she instilled in us! This I guess is the best way to honor her memory! May she rest in peace and may she gains the highest level of Jannat in the Hereafter.

AJ on life

As I sat down, wondering what to write on this forgotten blog – I received my father’s email sent to me and my siblings. My father who I fondly refer to as AJ, his initials, wrote from his heart, as he always does.  It touched a chord in my heart and I could not help but share with all my friends and family. We can all learn a few words of wisdom from a man I admire most in my life.

My personal favourite is lesson no. 4. Which one is yours?

“My very dear ones,

After a few days I am completing three years after my retirement. These THREE years have enabled me to understand this world in a much better way than previous sixty years on life. I have learnt few lessons which I want to share with you. I believe anyone who would follow these would be at least a satisfied person like me. I am thankful to God almighty for helping me to understand these TEN lessons in their true spirits. These lessons are:-

1) Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you and move out of their way

2) The only constant in life is change… Get comfortable with it

3) Fail often, fail quickly….you’ll never succeed unless you take risks

4) You only get one shot – make it count!

5) Your schedule makes you dumber…find time to learn about worlds outside of the one you live in.

6) Good ideas rule all.

7) Believe in a  Bawaqar Pakistan…You would make it happen, not others.

8) Family first…if some situation arises.

9) Make your own definitions of success and believe that you can make it happen.

10) Only God can help you….nobody else!

God be with you in whatever you do in your life, I love you all.”

 

All in a Day’s Block

I am ‘informed’ through reliable sources that if I do not update my blog often enough, I might get labelled as the ‘one who has surrendered her pen’ and lose all my visitors (who currently consist of my generous family and cousins and friends only)! But hey, where are the advocates for work-life-blog balance?? Given that the year end is taking 90% of my energies at work, yearend is also taking up the remaining 10% of my energies left for family get togethers in the evenings… when and where do I find the time to blog? 

Shh…you are not supposed to say that, glares a friend.  Ah ok, so what should I write about? You are supposed to write a daily journal, of whatever you are up to, points another. Okay, but then who would be interested to know my work details, or the fact that I am remote controlling kids schedules and home through my trusted cell phone or that I shift gears as soon as I enter the home in the evening.  Why would anyone want to know that solving and teaching class 2 maths homework post 6 p.m. can at times be more challenging than working out peace and development initiatives in the north west frontier?

‘Write a blog about your observations from what you see around you’, suggests my wise li’l sister whose opinion I listen to, unfailingly.  ‘Walk around with a blogger’s eye’, suggests another.  Yes, I plan to do that, as soon as I take my mind off the million assignments that are running through my mind at the same time.  Fingers crossed. 

 I always wanted to write about my most amazing ability to get along with people, of all shapes and sizes, and in the worst of all situations.  I could give a diplomacy 101 to all the others out there, waiting to be beamed up into the big bad world out there.  But then I could be the future Under Secretary General of Ice-breaking, a post that would be sanctioned only for me to honour my abilities, and that perhaps would be a better time to write my memoirs. 

 A friend suggested this morning that I should simply put up a picture of my work table to state through a photo-blog why I have not been writing.  How cool is that for an idea, but then just before my son went to bed, he gave me a sketch that he made just before hopping onto bed and it totally melted my heart.  How can any picture be better than this one, he thinks I am a super mom.  Someone who is juggling to carry his baby brother (rather a baby brother who is dangling to her foot! Haha!), her laptop (inseparable) and cupcakes that me and my son make on certain saner weekends, all at the same time.  Aww.  I am warmed to the core.  The fact that he has misspelled my name can be taken up tomorrow during homework time! And that’s a story for another day….

For my Baba, with Love

When I was a little girl, I used to write on my Dad’s birthday cards which I probably copied from somewhere, ‘A father is someone we can look up to, no matter how tall we get’.  Today, as I write a post dedicated to my dad on his 60^th birthday, I realize what it really meant….

All of us owe our existence to our parents, and it is the way they bring us up that defines not only our personalities but also a reflection of their own. A father is someone we always look up to, yes, no matter how tall we get and how old we feel, and how many children we have of our own.  Our parents are there to remind us that we are taken care of and that we will always be loved, unconditionally.  As my father turns 60 today (MashAllah, may he lives a long, happy and healthy life), I am thinking of all the truly wonder years spent with him, and all that I have learnt from him, and most importantly, how much I have always loved him. 

Actually, I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it were not for my father, because he was the one who encouraged me to write my first article for a newspaper and posted it himself.  He used to make me read editorials of newspapers and rewrite them during my summer holidays! He would even cross question me to know if I am keeping up with my newspaper reading! I now realize how that grilling actually helped me improve my writing and my interest in catching up with what’s happening around me. He used to take us to the library, every Sunday, unfailingly, and soon we were all able to graduate to the ‘grown-ups’ section because we had read all the books in the children’s section! He would guide us and taught us how to look for books, going through catalogues and looking for the information we needed.  It is always a very proud moment for me when I interact with professionals and they hold Baba in such high esteem for his knowledge and technical know-how. Baba, I owe my love for reading, writing and the quest for knowledge…all to you!

Baba always taught us to think, debate and reflect on issues and while it helped us immensely to interact with any group of people, we were almost always in ‘compliance’ with instructions passed by our dad.  The way we upheld our parents’ wishes and advice upon our own choices stands in strong contrast to when I see kids of today as I cannot relate to them and perhaps this is what is referred to widely as the ‘generation gap’.  But I can happily and very proudly declare to my dad that I have always remained in close compliance to everything he ever asked me to do.  I may not always have liked it, but I appreciate his wisdom and his unconditional love for me.  Specially now that I am a mother myself.

My father was the one who took me to the swimming pool when I was four and I have never been afraid of water since then. Now I show my son all the tricks Baba taught me, how to ‘stand upside down’ in water, how to ‘float’ on water, my son giggles and looks at me in awe.  I remember I used to be very scared of jumping in water. I would almost always use the steps.  One day, my dad called me at the deep end and before I knew it, I was ‘thrown in’ at the deep end of the pool! And that was my last day of being afraid of jumping in water.  I remember he had given me a task of doing 50 laps in a stretch and the incentive was ice-cream of my choice in the same hotel where we used to go for a swim.  Through our years of swimming in the same pool, I was learning the important lesson of fighting my fears, never giving up, and most importantly learning to ‘celebrate’ the achievements, even if it is only meeting the 50-lap milestone.

Baba is a people’s person, and loves his family and friends and is always there for them.  I can never emulate him enough and his dedication for reaching out to such a vast group of people with unmatched generosity at the same time is remarkable.  It is when you give of yourself that you truly give, as Khalil Gibran reminds us. I have learnt the importance of keeping strong bonds with extended family and friends and of helping out people in their hour of need.  He is perhaps the reason we are a very strong-knit family.  And lets not forget that behind every great father is an equally great mother and together they complete my world. 

So Baba, today on your 60^th birthday, I really wanted to tell you how much I admire your resilience, your sense of values for your family, friends and your country. I wish you many more years of health, happiness and may you continue to help others and bring smiles in their lives! Knowing you, I am sure you have more milestones to meet until the golden jubilee and here’s wishing more excitement and success, InshAllah!

Thank you Baba for everything and for just being you!

Bringing up Boys

We all grew up singing our favourite mantra to tease fellow class fellows, what are little boys made of…frogs and snails and puppy dogs’ tails! Rather mean now that I think of it.  And what are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice…indeed!

I was always attracted to little girls and loved them to bits.  Little did I know that I would end up being the only girl in my own family.  I have two boys, age 7 and 2 years and this blog is all about bringing up boys!

Like all parents, our first born was a discovery for us and we learnt as our child grew up.  We made some classic mistakes of spoiling him with every new toy in the market, went by the book in some cases realising later that a child has a free spirit and does not adhere to any guides, and a lot more! When I had my second baby, I thought he was such an ‘easy’ child to bring up, no late nights, no crying (we call him our ‘happy baby’) and just when I thought he was an easier baby to bring up, my sister reminded me that perhaps I was a better mom the second time around.  Food for thought…

A young child especially a boy does not come with instructions.  He just comes with boundless love, energy and an adventurous spirit.  But the journey to manhood begins very early and it is therefore important for parents to sow the ‘right’ seeds at the ‘right’ time.  For all you mothers (and girls) out there, who complain about husbands and boys, being a mother to one is your opportunity to pave the right way for posterity’s sake!

 My brother gave my husband this little book on advice from a father to son, when we had our first born and it starts with five key advice for fathers on being a parent to a young boy, and I would like to share it with you all:

 1. Be around

2. Be his father, not his friend.  If you don’t understand the difference, imagine his confusion when you must discipline him.

3. Be a good husband, show his mom respect at all times. 

4. Be home for dinner

5. Be his hero.
 

Today I would just like to focus on the various dimensions of bringing up our restless boys and how ‘super moms’ can make the best of their times in one of nature’s best responsibility endowed upon us, that of bringing up a human being in the best of our efforts, knowledge and energy.  I am focussing on boys since I have direct experience in the area but ofcourse most of the advice holds true for girls as well.  Bringing up children is no mean task and should never be taken lightly.  We are bringing up someone who will grow up to be a father/mother, husband/wife and a citizen and we are therefore shaping our future!

 I am a mother to two lovely boys and I have noticed that there are various dimensions to bringing up boys, since I have had the pleasure of observing girls being brought up in the same environment.  My husband’s niece who is like my own daughter really, spends her annual vacations with us and while I have the greatest fun time with her, I also realise the marked difference in bringing up girls and boys altogether.

 I am a working mother and my schedule is crazy and so I try my best to spend quality time with my children.  Thank God for school days as they sleep by 9 p.m. and therefore I get some time for myself too.  I have learnt that I cannot do everything at the same time, so I have prioritized what is urgent and needs my immediate focus.  I have also learnt that it is the elder son, the 7 year old, who needs me to engage with him more than the younger one.  So the first trick is to listen to him.  Ask him what he did during the day, in school.  You will learn many things about his friends that you would not have learnt otherwise.  Sometimes it is also important to not show a reaction to something you completely disagree with.  I have learnt that the particular issue is then marked in his little brain to be not shared with me at a later stage.  I have the luxury of having my sister though as my son’s key ally and she is my ‘good cop’ while I can still afford to be the bad cop.

Speaking of which, while I am quite strict in disciplining my boys, however I have drawn the line and told my son that he can come and speak to me about anything and as long as he can give me a valid explanation, he will not get scolded.  I do not want to be a monster he cannot speak to.  And I would want to be someone he can access without having the fear of being told off, like he gets told off at studying on time, going to bed on time etc.  On most occasions, I have learnt that it is the quiet discussion I have with him on various issues that works much better than when I have scolded him to get things done. 

 Show him how to call you at work.  Then take his calls. Forever. No matter how busy I am, even if I am in the middle of a meeting, I mostly take calls from home, or call back as soon as I can, especially from my fatherinlaw’s cell phone, because most of the time, its my son calling.  Usually he does not have much to say except to complain of something, or to tell me what to get for him on way back from work, but it is just my way of telling him that I am only a phone call away, even if I am not physically at home.

I don’t know about other mothers but another interesting thing I have learnt is that an unhappy boy is often one who is hungry or tired. Or both.  I now make sure my handbag is stocked with goodies after having gone through some bad episodes of unhappy boys stuck in a social gathering.  One thing is for sure.  We should NOT put up with temper tantrums, and this is coming from a mother who had to deal with a whole lot of them in the exploring-first-born-case! Not today, not ever.  The world will not put up with them!

Show him how to clean his room.  Little boys do not come backed with this auto-programming either.  We try. Everyday. I cannot claim that I have fully succeeded in this endeavour, miles to go before I sleep…

Teach him that nothing he has done – or is going to do – is worth lying to you about.  It all started with the crystal ball story, of how I have one at work and I therefore know everything he has done so he might as well tell me.  Because once he admits it, then he will not get punished for it, and that we can ‘talk about it’ and ‘how it should not be repeated’.  He is too old to buy the crystal ball story now, but the habit of telling me things as they happened, and to not lie is definitely a milestone we have achieved. Together.

Tell him sometimes you are wrong. Although the quotation up there advises dads to be their kids’ super hero, I think it is important for all parents to let their child know that sometimes they can be wrong too.  My first born is such a proper kid, he is always asking my permission on everything and that is what actually worries me!  I once actually told him that we could be wrong too, so he need not always ask my permission! Eeeks, I know.  Too much information for a 7-year old, but he is such a proper kid, a little touch of a rebel wont hurt.

Don’t fight his fights.  Classic scenario with parents.  We tend to get involved in kiddy fights.  I must be a really odd mother because I don’t fight my son’s fights.  Infact, I think getting a few beats every now and then will teach him a few lessons in life.  My take on it:  I cannot be with him all the time, so he might as well learn to cope with situations on his own.  If he relies on me too much, then he will never learn how to deal with a conflict on his own.  So we have a rule that I do not listen to his complains on other kids (which means I get complained to my own mother by him in return but that’s a different story!).  This does not however mean that I am not really ‘listening’ because he has not stopped complaining either! I just do not react on his complaints. He needs to learn how to clean his own mess.

Super Heroes Phenomenon: We all must have said it to our sons at one point or another, ‘don’t cry like a girl’.  We only reinforce the stereotypes that boys are ‘rough’, girls are ‘sensitive’, and that boys can do ‘anything’.  What do you expect from a little boy who grows up in this environment, and his only toys are the super heroes.  No room for mediocrity.  Imagine the pressures on the little soul, who is made to believe that he cannot cry, he has to excel in everything and that all it takes to be a super hero is to wear a cape and bingo, all problems in life are solved.  Coming from a household where the toy room is boxes full of superheroes only, it hardly makes a convincing statement, but perhaps we all need to try at our respective levels to counter the superhero phenomenon by narrating stories of influential men in history who grew up and did great things with sheer hard work and strategic focus in life.  Not everything in life can be achieved with a kaa-may-haa-may-haaa!!!  And this lesson we can only instil in the young mind.  We should also teach him that God answers every prayer, sometimes with a no.  He needs to learn to take life in its stride, and not expect miracles/magic to happen at every corner of his life.

My experiences may not be the perfect check-list to bring up the perfect man but I am still learning and hoping to be a better mother, if not a super mom.  I would be happy to hear from you all on your respective experiences, differences in bringing up boys and girls, and your perspective as a parent, grandparent, sibling or uncles and aunts!

Not all Super Heroes Wear Capes…

Today I read a sticker at a friend’s facebook page that read:  I am a SUPER MOM: that got me thinking “Not all of us super heroes wear capes!” And that brought me to write about my favourite subject for all times!!! Mothers… and I like to call them Super Moms!

Super heroes have super powers. What super powers do moms have? Can anyone else balance a 6 month old on their hip, hold the hand of an ever wandering 6 year old and still have an interactive conversation with their mum in law on the phone, of what to make for dinner?

Can any super hero face the wrath of a 2 year old who just does not want to get out of the cycle that belongs to the other kid? Most would decide to retire early and play golf the rest of their years.

So while super heroes get time to change into their costume of choice, relax in their mundane non-hero public life, and even manage a relationship or two on the side, the super Mom never gets a minute off duty. She is not a bird, she is not a plane, she is Super Mom!!! Coming to save the world! …..

Home is where the heart is, they say.  Home is not home without a mother! A woman, as a mother, mother-in-law and grandmother is what makes our home worth running back to after a tired day of work (or atleast interesting enough to talk about at work!).

Mothers come in all shapes and sizes.

The sit at home Ones:

I always wonder who coined the expression in the first place.  There is no concept of ‘sit-at-home’ when you are at home.  You are always running around after either the househelp, or the kids, in the kitchen or out to the market! As Maya Angelou very rightly said, a woman’s work is never done!! This is the kind who is always doing all the hard work and is still looked up as the ‘farigh’ (free) type! It’s quite the contrary and increasingly there is research going on in terms of the time women spend on chores that is not accounted for in national labour surveys and other time-use measures.  A woman is the manager of her house and like all projects, the house is one that requires her dedication, commitment, thinking and yep, regular monitoring too! And then ofcourse there are the children who would always come to the mom whether its about being hungry, or fighting with another sibling, or running up to her only to check if ‘she is still there’…quiet time is one blessing this category of mothers does not enjoy!  So for all you home-based moms out there, you definitely make the top slot of super moms!!!

The “working Mom”:

Then ofcourse there is the working mother and the associated woes of always running around too, from one deadline to another! A working mother is the ultimate multi-tasker, tab-browsing her way through life!…when she is at work, she is also managing phone calls from home and in between official meetings, also managing why the maid turned up late, or how the driver needs to deliver something somewhere, etc etc.  The moment she enters the house after a long day of work, she is greeted by excited kids who want to narrate the day’s highlights to her…she also needs to immediately shift gears and turn into the above category…the ‘home based’ mom.  There are days when only my son can make me bake cookies for him after a very tiring day at work, no other super power would ever have convinced me!! Then there are days when you wish you could just run and hide somewhere and not have to deal with so much workload.  That’s when a quote I once read somewhere gives me the courage to go on.  I do not recall where I read it, but it was an advice from an older woman to a younger woman on how priorities in life is like juggling plastic and glass balls…while it is okay to sometimes miss catching the plastic balls, we should focus our energies on not missing the glass balls…and that’s my advice for all the upcoming working moms.  It is okay not to be a super woman at all times.  We’ll still be super moms and family is what should and always come first!!

So while the source of a super hero’s power might be kryptonite or a spider bite, the source of a supermom is a hug from your child when you return home or a wet kiss when he goes to sleep in your arms at night.

The Ultimate Mom:

Then ofcourse, the last but not the least category is your own mother!! No matter how tired you are, and how frustrating life can get, a big warm hug from your own mother is what makes the life worth living for. 

No matter how old we get, we still want our own moms, our own super moms! My mother is an absolute supermom for me, and I know that my naani is a supermom to her! I wonder if super mom powers are passed from one generation to the other, getting stronger by the years? We all recall the most fun moments are the ones when we are sitting with our grandmothers (nani and dadi) surrounded by their daughters (khalas and phupos) and exchanging a lifetime of experience and joy! You can feel the super power and the strong bonding it brings! Why else would cousins and extended family be still closer to each other than all the random acquaintances in our lives? It is all the super mom phenomenon!

At the end of the day, there is nothing better than running back to your own mother, seeking refuge in her arms and believing that everything will be alright after all.  Yep, that’s the Ultimate Mom.

Once upon a memory, someone wiped away a tear.  Held me close and loved me.  Thank you, mother dear!